There have been some dreadful losses this autumn.

Our much derided minister, Rev Peter Burnett was unluckily killed when his collection of the complete works of John Calvin fell from their shelf above his bed while he was shagging young Elsie Deens and cracked his skull, thus cheating him of his first sexual climax since taking the (slightly soiled) cloth. 

Young Elsie escaped with Peter's bank-book and his fags.