The River Ythan and the Crown of Scotland

Buchan — Ythan — Forgue — the Kirkhill of Logie — and the Soorick Burn — the source of the pearl that is found in the Crown of Scotland.

The Ythan — or Ituna as it was known to the Romans — rises in the upper parish of Forgue, from three springs which are collectively known as the Wells of Ythan.  Half a mile from these springs, the Ythan receives its first tributary, the burn of the Sorrel — in Doric known as the Soorick Burn.  This is near the base of the Kirkhill of Logie, at the summit of which are the final remains of three druidical circles.

It is perhaps surprising to some people that in this remote area of North East Scotland, there were both Romans and Druids — but there were.  Both Romans and Druids in their ways were in the business of setting boundaries, and near this spot at the Mill of Knockleith is where the Ythan begins to form that for which it is still known — the boundary of Buchan.

At one time, the Ythan was known for its mussels — called pearl oysters — and in the list of unpublished Acts of Parliament of Charles I, there is one “for repeating the patent for the pearl-fishery in the Ythan, granted to Robert Buchan.”



There is a tradition in fact that large pearl in the crown of Scotland was procured in the Ythan, the story being that it was found at the junction of the Water of Kelly (spit, spit) and the Ythan, and was presented to James IV in 1620 by Sir Thomas Menzies of Cults.

Skene, in his Succinct View of Aberdeen, says that it was “for beauty and bigness, the best that was at any time found in Scotland.”

On account of these pearls which were found in the Ythan, the river was once called “the rich rig of Scotland” and although pearls are still found there, there is no regular fishery for them.

A Note on the Crown of Scotland

The Crown of Scotland is very old indeed.  The Crown was remade in its current form for King James V of Scotland  in 1540. It is part of the Honours of Scotland which is the oldest set of royal regalia in the United Kingdom. 

In 1540, the bonnet of velvet and ermine was added to the crown, but an earlier form of the crown is shown in the portrait of James IV of Scotland  in the Book of Hours, done for his marriage to Margaret Tudor in 1503. 

This 1503 date is the earliest known reference to the crown and so 1503 is thus the latest date of original manufacture of the crown.

The Crown of Scotland on Wikipedia

The Drinkard's Aberdoniensis

This is published with The Combined Technical Jargon of Bev

These are all words and phrases which we have picked up from researches into the Scottish-Aberdonian way of speaking. We are three American students from New York who are in Scotland because of the unique words which they use here, and the Peter Burnett Website has let us publish what we have collected so far.

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Website Notes


The Apocrypha of Burnett, the Wisdom of Peter and the original word Panatenda have all been heard now together - and have caused not a little stir in the human minds that they have touched. The results of these pronouncements is the present websdte  which was written as a snow plough for a time when all the world is but a frost.

During the website's composition, Peter ate nothing but what grew in the field and lavished great benefit upon himself for seven weeks until his hope perished and the website was near done. Have we not suffered enough? he is heard to have said, and then he is known to have raised a loud lamentation. Have we not laboured under the sun? he is reported to have asked, and have we not worked hard and entered into the spirit of production - even when the football was on?

Such was the strain the website caused on his already breaking mind - that as Peter confronted the thought-motif SPLENGRA and prepared for his final victory over boredom and impotence - he is known to have sung HOSANNA! in preparation of his visit to the beach.

Bitten by a Table

I gripped the table for support as everybody squeezed in - - and at that moment the first dishes were passed along.

Peter? someone said my name and the first plate landed on my left. I couldn't believe how hot the surface of the table had become, I figured that at this heat, a table of this sort should at least have melted or buckled. As my hand stuck to the hot table and peoples' voices merged so slowly that they went from speaking English into something new and foreign, I knew that I was unable to move.

The hostess squeezed a lemon over my starter. The lemon was bled, big and thick tears came out of it, a pip slipped on the seafood. People were eating down at the other end - - again someone spoke to me - the sound swelled - - others rubbed their fingers and tipped their glasses back and the nub of the table pressed itself into my body. A table leg shivered against my own which felt too weak to move or fight. The window was steaming up more's the pity - - I could still see enough glitter and spark from the cold however, and I made to stand up, apologising to those nearby.

The table gouged me - - it bit me I say - - wooden teeth seized my leg and tore  - - and that's when I tried to get up again.

I'll be remembered for pulling my plate and my neighbour's plate and two glasses of wine to the floor with me, where I stayed impressed upon the memories of all who saw me there.

Every face was a lamp above me - - the fire blistered in the grate - - I was picked up but at last I could manage myself, and I said thank you as they moved me to another room, where I rolled up my trouser and saw that indeed, there were really crude teeth marks there.

Art and its Viewers, Marcel Duchamp

“The exchange between what one / puts on view [the whole / setting up to put on view (all areas)] / and the glacial regard of the public (which sees / and forgets immediately) / Very often / this exchange has the value / of an infra thin separation / (meaning that the more / a thing is admired / and looked at the less there is an inf. T. / sep)."


Marcel Duchamp, Notes, note 10A


I submitted the title for my thesis to the department, offering them a work-proposed as, "Marcion Was Right". When I was called to the Dean's office, he told me that there would have be some major changes.

"It's not so much the sentiment," he said, "rather the brevity of the title is the complicating factor. Such a straightforwardly theological perspective, would really have to be out into more words than just those three."

As it happened, there was no appetite for my work, and a severe lack of funding. I returned to church but they had heard what I had done and stared me out for my boldness.

Nocturne #2


The content and purpose of dreams are not definitively understood, though they have been a topic of scientific speculation and a subject of philosophical and religious interest throughout recorded history:

Free cinema : in an open field we approached the screen, through rows of racked chairs. Close to the screen I met the lead actor, a real stiff-jaw, he stood way up above me. The actor was able to look over my head he was so tall. The field was filling with audience, and there were chunks of snow left on the ground. I turned to speak to some people I knew, the three most intelligent boys from school. The three boys sat on one seat and had their school blazers stuffed with library books. I walked further back; I had lost the friends I arrived with. Also, there were no safe seats left in the field, and this was out of many thousand. Most of the seats seemed to be sinking in the mud and melting snow. I left for the town, which was dark, and full of circular terraces, where one would descend and then reappear. I found that the best way to get back to the field was through a primary school, but I was escorted out of here, and taken to the seaside. Dawn, and the film was over. The snow even, was much melted, and I had missed everything.  Passing up the opportunity for fried foods from a shack, I walked along the sea front, to look for my friends.

Some May Search This

Some may search this, while others may re-earth this thing called consternation in the net-book of mental pages where there are displayed two stages of rage like stage one : I am introduced to sway as a young fry one day then stage two I'm getting it the hell out of me YEA I put that shit on hold : "I must welcome you to this website and bring to you an announcement of intergalactic importance .... ladies and gentleman I'm the Voice of ConBy explosive specialist Panatenda Stacks the treacherous millenial expedition chief administrator of Perpetual Freedom, and I will f**uck you executives consecutively, I will test your chests out like trampolines YEA I will make the sky roll back like I'll make it all fold four fold and f**uck the dumb shit out of you, so you may not need to get smashed in a car crash quick or beaten with a half-eaten deadbeat chicken drumstick cause Peter Burnett summoned me to photocopy your entity and carol your dying ditty where hope draws up, you will not outlast him in specious buildings, and nor can you obscure a part of yourself in illiquid earnings, hear ye hear ye obliquities of hateful ways, and Peter's maniples are fired away so hereof let your study be as clear as shit, and ken that I wrote this ruled by Mr Hit. He is my dealer . . . . of course!!"

Stealing Fire

Stealing Fire, by Craig Sterling Published poet and thriller writer James W Wood, was printed by myself in 2011.

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Far ere's slurry ere's sillar? Nae here. Boyndlie is an estate as opposed to a village, or you might like to picture it as a scattered community of farms and other houses.

Boyndlie House lies about six miles SW of Faserburgh, and is a seat of a branch of the Forbes family - although I know the family as being called Ogilvie-Forbes, as have been for at least a century.

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The Beggar's Benison

Notes Copied from the Records of The Beggar's Benison

For which see Male Sex Clubs of the Enlightenment in Scotland

The Minutes of The Beggar’s Benison

1734 Candlemas: 13 Knights present.  Chamber tyled at 3 o'clock, and opened in due manner.  One Feminine Gender, 17, was hired for One Sovereign, fat and well-developed.   She stripped in the Closet, nude; and was allowed to come in with face half-covered.   None was permitted to speak to or touch her.   She spread wide upon a Seat, first before and then behind:  every Knight passed in turn and surveyed the Secrets of Nature.  Afterwards the Sovereign closed the Chambers, after Repast in the accustomed form.  Secresy enjoined upon faith.

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IRL Books

IT is a great pity that there should be so many distinct enemies at work for the destruction of the IRL book and that they should so often be allowed to work out their inevitable end.

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Mission Statement

Dear Fellow English Speaker,

An ominous spectre has arisen over the sunlit valleys and mountains of SCOCHIA. This week's decision by the Scots Parliament to promote the speaking of "Scotch" through the indoctrination of children in public schools is but one more tyrannical step to the eradication of the biblical norm of heterosexual relationships and English speaking family life, centred around beef and good detective fiction.

The radical Scotch lobby, under the guise of egalitarian blather, seeks domination over all competing value systems which deem their morally anarchic behaviour repulsive, reprehensible, and beyond the cope of normative and wholesome deportment. Scotch Governor and Spaverman Stovies Duffus MSP, a leading activist for the bill, is eager to sign the same into law. With the stroke of his pen, the heavy hand of Stovies Duffus will attempt to win converts to, and propagate the mission of perversion by introducing the raddled Scotch into the queen's pure tongue, and by doing it HARD.

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Friends of Unst

As a subscribed "Friend of Unst" you are entitled to a regular digest of all the Local Doings on the island as well as a quarterly "fry" of chops (or saucermeat) and all for $59.99 a year.

Since your last visit to Unst we have seen the forced departure of Malcolm and Cassandra Pepys from the 'Bide Awa' in Baltasound, due to a disagreement over boundaries with the North Sea. The eviction of Mr and Mrs Pepys saw scenes of unprecedented English lunacy from Malcolm as he tried, unavailingly, to reform the tidal nature of the oceans with an ornamental arch of Huddersfield Brick. It is believed that the Pepys' have emigrated to Bangladesh "to see how they fu**ing like it".  We hope his butchery experience serves him well.  

This left a sad hole in the tourism infrastructure and of course in the wife-fighting team of the island, so we were glad that the 'Bide Awa' quickly attracted New Owners (and who wouldn't want to own this gorgeous guest outlet?)  Johnnie and Babs Dalrymple, originally of Callander in Mozambique, have brought a great deal of unwonted energy and colour to the island, and indeed the whole place is buzzing with expectation at the thought of having such rhythmic people in our midst. 

Elsie Johnson at the Cooked Meats and Frost Fish dealership said that this should give us the edge on Yell in all the sprint finals in this years' Shetland Sports, and we were surprised indeed to find that the Dalrymples are Full Christians and have very few 'extra' dietary needs, though the Special Constabulary are still on Red Alert, just in case.

The Beggar's Benison Founding Members

Filed under 'Sex Clubs of the Enlightenment', The Beggar's Benison was a drinking club in Anstruther, Fife, which lasted from its establishment in until 1836.

The Beggar's Benison is famous now for the collective masturbation of its members, something that made up a part of the intititaion ceremony.  The club's members were basically from the upper classes of Fife society, being landowners, merchants and customs contrololers and the like, and they dined and drank together, and related obscene songs and toasts. Much of their purpose of the club was the discussion of sex and anatomy, and the club had a stock of pornography as well as a habit of hiring naked "posture girls" for the members to examine.

This is a list of the Club's Founding Members, as related in a document titled



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Brian Baxter's Party

Are you going to Brian Baxter's party said Terry and I said EH Brian Baxter's pairty like? and he says AYE it's this weekend and I says EH and Terry says AYE MIN Brian Baxter says that it's his party LIKE this weekend and I just says well it's NAE LIKE I WANT TO GO OR ANYTHING and Terry says NIH and I didn't think you would LIKE and then I said well what the fucker you telling me for LIKE? and Terry says well I just said I would like to Brian Baxter’s like and I said EH WELL THEN and goes down to the offie like thinking that if it was Brian Baxter's pairty LIKE I'd better get to the offie fast before Brian Baxter's guests get there and fucking buy all the booze and I was laughing thinking that's MENTAL imagine if all the booze had been bought from the offie like and I was LAUGHING and thinking aye the FAGS AND ALL.

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St Barry Vilitatis c501 -553 AD



Companion of St Benedict's at Monte Cassino, Saint Barry Vilitatis was the first to write the famous rule at the Great Benedict's dictation. After St Benedict's death, St Barry continued his much imitated and lively correspondence with St Donna of Hamarstadt and her Miraculous Goat, in which the descriptions of monastic flagellation are so vivid that they inspired something of a vogue in Dark Age Europe.

Piqued, it is said by the Chronicler Wittloss the Goth, by his failure to be appointed Magister Flagellorum, St Barry left the community of Monte Cassino and fled to the Abruzzi mountains with one companion only, the same young Wayne of Perth who was later to become a "wife" to the Prophet Mohammad.

Finding refuge in a cave on a hillside, St Barry settled down to a life dedicated to intense prayer, flagellation and study of Male Generative Fluid. Alas, barely two and a half years into his retreat, he was murdered by a group of local Pagans for whom the sights, sounds, and smells of mutual flagellation proved to strong a stimulus to their destructive wrath.

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