- Written by Peter Burnett Peter Burnett
Aberdeen Journal, 31st August 2037:
The suburb of Gilcomston, which last week fell to the Gibleteers (one time of Holburn), is to be destroyed this evening at 6PM. The last team of arbiters, which left the area at noon on the 30th, complained bitterly at the state to which the citizens of "unoccupied” Aberdeen have been reduced.
"It stands to reason," said Chief Moderator Frunkie Meldrum, "that when one section of a populace lay claim to such a large proportion of the pies, the rest will begin to bray for blood."
And this is exactly what has happened. Mothers yesterday welcomed the move, and "single-operative-parents" (SOPs) gathered from Kittybrewster and Garthdee, to stone and to boo/hiss the Gilcomstonian population after it is herded out after the rout. Several mothers' groups have been calling for the storming of Gilcomston for some weeks now. "Aboot fichen time ken," said Dana Hattons, ex of The Corther. “Wor kids hae nae hid nae pies fir weeks ken, and at's shite."
For the last 4 weeks the lack of mince pie in the Northeast has been critical, and Angus Dung-dee Substitute has proved unpopular with the people, who have largely refused to even feed it to their dogs (although the kids don't seem to mind). Aberdeen Football Club's benefit single "Our Goad is Mince" (B side : Billy Dodds’ Avatar sings : Mincey-Wincey Spider) raised funds to feed Tullos Academy pies for school lunches, for one week, but with the price of meat now exceeding the price of bus fares, even charity is uneconomical.
"Rumour is they've struck mince," said A. A. Milne of Texaco Drilling Co. "We for one sold them twenty million pounds of chopped onion." But the controversy will rage no longer, and arbitration has reached the dead-end field at the fuck-end of bad behaviour, and the Militia move in at 6PM.
"They'll absail down St Nicholas House," said Special Dowser Barney "Premium Cut" Sillerton, "and break through the cordons at Wolmanhill Hospital. The troops will stage a faked move on the Old Age Compound erected at Rosemount, and while this is going on, the Beef Dump will be drained by our special Cornhill Crack Squad, using only straws."
Should the raid be successful, and the peoples of Gilcomston routed, then we could once again be enjoying our pies," said Councillor Alwyn Lamb (age 6).
In the meantime, experiments continue. Scientists are working on a new substitute known as Diced Forfar Briney, and the last cow is to be auctioned at the Beach Ballroom, in a special ceremony tonight, hosted by Nicki Campbell IV (under the armed protection of the Beef Volunteer Reserve Force).