- Written by Peter Burnett Peter Burnett
Are you going to Brian Baxter's party said Terry and I said EH Brian Baxter's pairty like? and he says AYE it's this weekend and I says EH and Terry says AYE MIN Brian Baxter says that it's his party LIKE this weekend and I just says well it's NAE LIKE I WANT TO GO OR ANYTHING and Terry says NIH and I didn't think you would LIKE and then I said well what the fucker you telling me for LIKE? and Terry says well I just said I would like to Brian Baxter’s like and I said EH WELL THEN and goes down to the offie like thinking that if it was Brian Baxter's pairty LIKE I'd better get to the offie fast before Brian Baxter's guests get there and fucking buy all the booze and I was laughing thinking that's MENTAL imagine if all the booze had been bought from the offie like and I was LAUGHING and thinking aye the FAGS AND ALL.
And then I gets to the offie like and FUCK it was empty and the offie boy was there with all these fucking empty shelves saying SORRY LIKE but we've nae booze left and nae crisps and skins either like and I just stand there thinking FUCK and looking into the bare offie LIKE and the boy says it's Brian Baxter's pairty the night KEN and I says aye I KEN but I'm NAE GOING TAE THAT SHITE and the guy puts down the hatch and says WELL you could try the next offie up the road like but you'll be LUCKY KEN and so I ran fast along the road but all the offies were TOTALLED and were empty of drink and skins and apparently a lorry taking skins to Scotland had crashed at Newcastle making it worse like and I was like : FUCK! until I thought better of it all and went back home where I found the furniture most welcoming and there upon the chair I settled down to a nice documentary about the mass murder of millions in the twentieth century, with the blankets wrapped around the phone to stop it ringing and orange ready on a plate for LATER ON like.
But then I thought NO WAY like and I decides to crash Brian Baxters' pairty like so I puts some spare Merrydown in my bag and gets some skins like and I go over to Brian Baxters' and opens the front door and says RIGHT THIS IS BRIAN'S PLACE?
What the fucker you talking about says the guy on the door I can't let you in here min NOT THE NIGHT and FUCK I says I have to get in cause I'm a mate like and he says the FUCKER you a mate and I says I AM SUT A MATE.
And I takes out these photos of me and the boy at Oasis and me and the boy skinning up and then I've got this photo of me and the boy like SHAKING FUCKING BRETT ANDERSON BY THE HAND as well as photeys of me and the boy at the carneys going MENTAL and photos of me and the boy at the boy's HOOSE and I says THAT'S ME LIKE at the boy's HOOSE and there's fucking Brett Anderson so what about that and the boy on the door just says to me it doesn't fucking look like it to me and I says what the fucker you talking about like if that isnae BRIAN BAXTER and FUCKING BRETT ANDERSON and me in that photey then I don't know what the FUCK IT IS LIKE.
And the boy says aye admittedly it looks like Brett but I canna just let any bastard intae this party on the basis of a blurred photey like and I says FUCK THIS I've come all the way here like and I've brought Merrydown like and skins and you're like OH YOU CANNAE COME IN.
And then suddenly like a heap of dames who were on the stairs like FUCKING STORMS us from behind and the dames have got us on the ground with their hands like in our pockets and they're going for the skins and I'm like FUCK OFF DAMES but they're just shouting GET HIM GET THE BASTARD and pulling me down the stairs so I grabs on to my carry out for support like but it was too late and I get capsized like and the dames have got my skins and the boy at the door's saying OH AYE GIRLS you better come in and I'm like FUCK YOU and FUCK MY SKINS THEN and they're like all pissing themselves laughing so I just shouts I'LL BE BACK YOU WANKERS and the boy's like OH AYE and I goes and orders a cab and asks the driver if he would be kind enough to stop at All-Days on the way home that I might pick up a Pot Noodle, a bottle of Blackcurrant and possibly a copy of Loaded magazine, just in case the documentary on Stalinism was no good LIKE.