Call our hotline! We have staff waiting to speak to you on many theological subjects.

Our phone gateways will lead you to :

1. New Testament Exegesis - choose from our range of "Modern Critical" and "Extreme Prejudice". All our operators are trained to University Standard * in the very latest techniques of Emergency Exegesis and Crisis Greek. *University of Baton Twirl, Christ Point That Gun Away From Me, IOWA

2. Early Fathers  - Ever find yourself longing for the reassurance of the Early Church? Here at last a truly comprehensive selection of all the greats! Select from our Classic Gold Collection and relax in the Sprit with Augustine, Jerome and Gregory. Bi-lingual service for High-Brows.

3. Desert Breezes - unwind after a long day's Convenience Living to the sounds of Digitally Re-Enhanced Thebaid caught for you Live on Tape, direct from the Other Holy Land Experience at SHYWORLD, Mooville, Florida. Kick off your shoes and gag the kiddies to the Lamentation in the Wilderness. "Like having a pillar in your own home." Cardinal Basil Hume.

4. Country Psalms - Your favourite Psalms given the down-home treatment by the cream of Forfar's Country & Western artistes. Work out to the line-dance version of the 23rd ,"The Lord's My Shepherd." "It rocks." Mackie (of Mae & Mackie).

5. Qumran, Come All - The real Geza Vermes introduces you to our exclusive highlights of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Including : Isaiah, Matthew, Pizza Toppings, and Beard Care.

6. Theological Careers - Rap with actually existing monks, anchorites, archimandrites, catechumens, and lay pastors from some of the world's leading sects, about a Career in God. This service offers a direct link to the Samaritans at no extra cost (to us).

7. All About Paul - A service devoted to the Most Important Character in Christianity bar the Paraclete. We aim to provide for the dedicated Paul Fan all the necessary sites of Special Theological Interest. To sate even the most desperate Paulinist,  links to world-wide talkfests of Paul Lore and Gossip, include : Stones & Stonings     Tents & Tentmakers     Damascus, Where To Eat Kosher    and   Paul's Boys - Men Only!
8. Dial A Prayer - Need a professional sounding prayer for a special occasion, or to impress evangelical business clients or prospective in-laws? Our bank of trained Pastors can tailor an offering to suit any eventuality. We can arrange for the oration to be relayed via the recipient's Mobile Phone, laptop or Deaf Aid. No Jews.