- Written by Peter Burnett Peter Burnett
DETAILS OF THE SAINTED LIFE OF BARRY
Companion of St Benedict's at Monte Cassino, Saint Barry Vilitatis was the first to write the famous rule at the Great Benedict's dictation. After St Benedict's death, St Barry continued his much imitated and lively correspondence with St Donna of Hamarstadt and her Miraculous Goat, in which the descriptions of monastic flagellation are so vivid that they inspired something of a vogue in Dark Age Europe.
Piqued, it is said by the Chronicler Wittloss the Goth, by his failure to be appointed Magister Flagellorum, St Barry left the community of Monte Cassino and fled to the Abruzzi mountains with one companion only, the same young Wayne of Perth who was later to become a "wife" to the Prophet Mohammad.
Finding refuge in a cave on a hillside, St Barry settled down to a life dedicated to intense prayer, flagellation and study of Male Generative Fluid. Alas, barely two and a half years into his retreat, he was murdered by a group of local Pagans for whom the sights, sounds, and smells of mutual flagellation proved to strong a stimulus to their destructive wrath.
One night, during the Pagan fertility celebrations around Harvest Time, on the Christian eve of St Maso of the Flail, St Barry was surprised at his pious preparations by a gang of Giggling Nutters and pecked to death over the next fortnight by a vicious thrush the Pagans had brought with them for the purpose. When later, two of that bloody band were unexpectedly cured of the Burning Piles, the grief the murderers felt by their atrocious actions that Autumn became so great that they committed collective suicide by drinking themselves to death over a 43 year period.
Wayne of Perth escaped by bribing one of the Nutters and fled to his admirer Saint Crass in the wilds of the Syrian Desert, taking with him Saint Barry's Collected Works, and the sacred, Miraculous Cocksix of the Holy Barry. When Wayne was captured by Harith ibn Gammaddi and taken in chains to Bostra, the sacred relic was sold to a great nephew of the Emperor Justinian, one Paedophilus, and placed in the great church of St Sophia at Constantinople where it continued to work cures until it was finally lost in the chaos of the Sack of the City in 1464 by Suleiman the Magnificent.
St Barry's Works, particularly his Summa on Brotherly Love, enjoyed great popularity in Medieval Germany and were some of the first published at Frankfurt by the Redoubtable Helmut von Fulda. Modern readers are directed to the 14 volume, annotated edition from The Brothers of Pain Press, Faithlie (1969) edited by Barry Butterboy and Chuck Foula.
St Barry's Attributes :
His colours : brown, puce.
His sign : The V sign
His accoutremnets : flail, pen, ointment.
His food : Butter
His animals : Tasmanian Devil.
His football team : Clyde
His plant : Hemp
His parts of the body : Gonads
His Symbols : Thrush, beard, semen
Patron Saint of
Universities : West Hartlepool, Ulm, Marbella, Perth (Australia), Lima
Occupations : Workers in man-made fibres, Urologists, managers of Ten Pin Bowling Alleys, Shoplifters (with St John-of-God), Golfers.
Countries/regions/ towns : Chad, Galicia, Luton
Miscellaneous : Loose change, dog lovers.