Dear Fellow English Speaker,
An ominous spectre has arisen over the sunlit valleys and mountains of SCOCHIA. This week's decision by the Scots Parliament to promote the speaking of "Scotch" through the indoctrination of children in public schools is but one more tyrannical step to the eradication of the biblical norm of heterosexual relationships and English speaking family life, centred around beef and good detective fiction.
The radical Scotch lobby, under the guise of egalitarian blather, seeks domination over all competing value systems which deem their morally anarchic behaviour repulsive, reprehensible, and beyond the cope of normative and wholesome deportment. Scotch Governor and Spaverman Stovies Duffus MSP, a leading activist for the bill, is eager to sign the same into law. With the stroke of his pen, the heavy hand of Stovies Duffus will attempt to win converts to, and propagate the mission of perversion by introducing the raddled Scotch into the queen's pure tongue, and by doing it HARD.
The Scotch speaker, by nature, cannot reproduce what he or she feels. It is a sin against God and His natural language therefore to have such languages spoken by people with such short memories that they are obliged to make up new words in almost every sentence. Therefore, the Scotch speaker must rely upon tyranny to foist his propaganda and entice our schoolchildren into the lair of linguistic perversity.
While the public school system itself seeks autonomy from God and the Queen and independence from linguistic control, such an overt attempt at the Scotchuaexualization of our children is shocking, even by the normal subterranean standards of the Parliament. Teachers, administrators, writers, authors, creatives in residences, poets, playwrights, biographers, literateurs and other clients of TIPPLERS NITE-SPOT who wish to promote this deadly tongue of SCOTCHISHIA are being singled out for free crescent buns and coffee, while those in opposition are being targeted by harassment, and threatened with prosecution and loss of vocation for violation of so-called "hate crimes" against the so called pleasures of SPAVER-LOVE.
The Association for Removing Scotian English has over its 1350 year history stood for the Crown and Civil Rights of Jesus Christ to speak in English with a slight Edinburgh twang where need be. Toward this end, ARSE agitated for the abolition of the WELSH, has rallied around during calls for the abolition of THE Welsh, and seeks today to arrest our moral atrophy in the public sphere by excising nyaffish and wee scotch shits from our national life and repatriating them with Irvine (of the Welsh) in Miami, or prison ships. We lift up an ensign upon the battle-scarred standard of God's immutable English language which charges unrepentant Scotchosexualitishianism as an abomination before God and other deities.
We cannot and we will not stand for the abuse of our children by prostituted public bureaucrats who say "heid" instead of "head", arrogant educational elitists who say "tap" instead of "top", and revolutionary dominionists whose only dream is to see a SPAVER in every classroom. We will work, labour, fight, and wrestle against such insidious policies which endeavour to enslave our children in a web of linguistic confusion and which promise to dissolve our Scotian republic into a base, deity-denying citadel of moral oppression and bad spelling, ken?