Now is the time to decide if you're going to host a super summer party, and if you are, you should make sure that your guests RUE THE VERY DAY they ever showed up at your house.
And who better to give you tips to make yours the most unpleasant invitation in town, than Alison Weekend Cutlette, party organiser to the clinically depressed.
Here, exclusively for readers of peterburnett.info, the woman who designed Sir Elton John's wonderful 1997 suicide attempt, offers some original ideas guaranteed to create a fabulous whimper to highlight the summer gloom.
GUESTS : Be sure to invite a maximum of three for that claustrophobic feel. Try to create an interesting mix, including those with controversial right wing views, and flash ponces from the West End. Invite your friends if you must, but remember that strangers off the street are always more interesting.
INVITATIONS : Don't try and be original with your invitations as this is sad. Fill the envelopes with tomato sauce that will spill out when opened. People will be excited about a party at which they know there will be tomato sauce.
DECORATION : Decide on a theme, like "You Unwelcome Bastards", or "I'm Very Rich". Discuss ideas with family and friends, but IGNORE ALL THEIR SUGGESTIONS. Try being incredibly fussy with droplets of tomato sauce. Think of unlikely areas for storing the guests' coats, but try and encourage them to leave them on in the first place.
DRINKS : Now is a good time to use all of those stored up methadone prescriptions. Champagne is very popular but not to be wasted on those depressive scum. Try extra strength lager, boosted with schnapps and a hint of hair conditioner.
DEFENCE : In posh parts of the country there will be no public transport, so tell all your guests to bring heavy walking shoes, torches, and fire arms. Make sure your own guns are loaded and ready. When society breaks down, you don't want all those losers thinking that your home is a safe bet as refuge.
DISASTERS : If you burn food or drop it on the floor, feign a fit. Bottled sauces such as tomato, create a large mess for little effort, and your guests will sympathise greatly with your loss of mental stability.
SAYING GOODNIGHT : The easy way to encourage guests to leave is to start crying, kneel on the floor, and then shout "Get these people out of my fucking house!" If they still will not leave, you will have to be less subtle and call the police. If all else fails, a gorilla mask and baseball bat will prove to be the perfect tools for that excellent final hint.
© Alison Weekend Cutlette 2018. For more zappy party hints visit Weekend Cutlette online at www.infectivegloom.com and scream like a rotten bastard at the very image of the woman who has brought us here today, to this stinking impasse in our cultural lives. Alternatively, stuff your modem up your arse.